Changes....

Life is full of them, right? From the moment we make our first appearance in this life, changes are forever taking place. Nothing is ever the same. From day to day, change takes place...whether it be great or small. We grow, circumstances change, life is a constant metamorphosis. "I don't like change."  How many times have you heard that in your life?? I have said it myself many times. But that is just the nature of this game called life. Some changes we see as good, like losing weight, getting a promotion, having children, moving to a desired location or home. And that list could go on and on. Then, there are some changes that we dread, like getting old, developing a health issue, divorce, death. Likewise, that list could grow. But the truth of it is, at some point we will all face good and bad changes in our life. Some we can control and others we cannot. 

The older I get, the more I realize that change is inevitable. And the more I realize that sometimes you just have to learn to go with it. We have to come to realize the difference between the kind of change we have control over and the kind we don't. That is perfectly said in the infamous, "Serenity Prayer",

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

The courage to change the things I can;

 and the wisdom to know the difference."

That prayer goes on to say,

"Living one day at a time;

 Enjoying one moment at a time;

 Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; 

Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; 

That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy

 with Him forever in the next.

 Amen."

-Reinhold Niebuhr

This is such a special prayer to me. It reminds me that I am not in control of everything in my life, that there are things that are outside my ability to change or fix. Serenity, courage, wisdom...what wonderful attributes to have! And the actions in the second part of the prayer...living, enjoying, accepting, trusting...how much good could come to me by just doing these things! Instead of getting overwhelmed, bogged down, and stuck by the changes that I am not in control of, why don't I focus on the positive changes I can make and allow God to help me with those things I cannot? I know this is so much easier said than done! Especially if you are like I am - a worrier, always thinking the worst or focusing on the negative.

The last year of my life has been the most difficult year of my life. I have thought that before, but this one really took the cake.  Chronic illness, the sale of our home and a move, change of job, and a rebellious teenager. Oh, and I could list more! But those are the tops. And I have honestly had a hard time "accepting the things I cannot change." I really thought I had learned this valuable trinket years ago after going through a 12 Step program called Celebrate Recovery. But, change took a relentless swing at me this year....and it knocked me down. Some days it was all I could do to get out of bed, or go to work, or school/church functions, do dishes, laundry, or get groceries. I feared running into someone I knew and having to act "ok". I dreaded even seeing family and dear friends because I just didn't want to be social at all. And it was all because of the changes that I had no control over. 

Sometimes we feel so accomplished and proud when we make changes that are for our good and/or the good of others; then other times we feel like complete failures when our plans don't go well or an unexpected change catches us off guard. There are times it's fairly easy to pick ourselves back up and dust ourselves off and get back on track; other times it takes weeks, months, or even years to heal and move forward. Ultimately, we cannot do it on our own. We need the support of others in our lives. And, we need the peace of our Savior. God, grant me serenity, courage and wisdom when change comes my way.

Wedding Bells

I attended the wedding of a very special young lady this past weekend.  She came into my life about 5 years ago, and for several years I was able to be a second mother to her.  As life sometimes goes, things took a turn, and her life was taken in a different direction.  But, thankfully, we have remained in touch.  She will always be like my daughter deep within my heart!  So, of course, I attended her marriage ceremony this past Saturday.  I love weddings!  I almost always cry....sometimes too much!  A wedding ceremony always brings to me feelings of hope, change, newness, pride, and of course, LOVE!  I really didn't think I would be as emotional as I was at this particular one.  Part of me was emotional because this young lady has had such a hard life growing up.  Feelings of pride for her welled up inside me as I watched her come down the aisle in that little outdoor pavilion.  The aisle, made of sawdust and wood shavings and covered with a burlap runner, led to a small wooden stage decorated with hay bales and old handmade quilts.  She came down at sundusk, the ceiling draped with sheer fabric and chaby chic fabric ribbons.  It was beautifully emotional.  And as she came down the aisle in her off white, lace covered gown and vintage cowboy boots, the tears came.  And I couldn't stop crying.  She was beautiful. It was beautiful. Marriage is beautiful. Thoughts began to flood my mind of my wedding day.  Her gown was very similar to mine. I was her age, the tender age of twenty.  The same pastor would marry her and her groom, married my husband and me.  And mainly, I am just at a transitional place in life.  I feel like I don't have the hope that I did on that day. And I want it back!  I realize how naïve I was then.  Everything seems so surreal, so good, so positive.  I never for a moment really thought about the truth of the vows, "in sickness and in health", "for better or worse", or "for richer or poorer"!   At that very moment there is only "better", and "worse" never crossed my mind.  I am probably not alone in that.  No one wants to think about bad things happening.  No one plans to become chronically ill.  We plan for hope, prosperity, and all good things.  But life is not all good.  Bad things come to us all.  And we have to be prepared to handle them.  I have been married now for almost 22 years.  Life, for the last 10, has not been all that I have wanted it to be.  It has taken us a long time to adjust to our new normal.  We would love to have the days of our youth back.  Life seemed so perfect back then.  We were in love, ready to build our life together, and make our dreams come true.  And for many years, things seemed that way.  I loved raising my young children.  We truly enjoyed our family life.  Then the illness hit, and it took 7 years to find a diagnosis.  When I finally found a neurologist that took me seriously, I was led on a journey to the diagnosis of multiple sclerosis.  There was relief and mourning.  I had an answer, but I knew life would never be the same.  There has been much physical, emotional, mental, and financial stress that has come with this illness.  Some days I am good, others I am not.  And that roller coaster is one I didn't want to ride!  It has been hard for me, but even harder for my husband.  I cannot imagine how he feels.  I hate that he chose to marry someone who would bring him so much hardship.  I know that he doesn't feel that way, but this illness brings a lot of guilt with it.  That is hard on me.  I cannot work like we need for me to.  I cannot be the wife that he needs at times.  I cannot be the mother that I would like to be.  I feel very helpless and useless sometimes.  Depression. I hate that word!  But it plagues me.  I feel trapped inside a maze that there is no way out.  And I just need freed.  I need to feel the open air.  I need to feel the freedom that comes with no physical limitations.  That may never happen.  So now, the answer is to find hope where we are.  To find a new normal.  To stop the pattern of depression.  To enjoy life as we know it, even though it is not as we had planned.  That's ok!  Because life can still be good.  We can still find happiness.  We can be at peace with "sickness", "worse", and "poorer".  This weekend was good for me.  It is good to remember those feelings of love and passion that we had on our wedding day.  It is good to remember why we chose each other.  It is good to still feel that love today.  Even in the midst of sickness, stress, and financial struggle, we can be reminded of our desire to build a life together.  That's where we are....in the middle of the life we are building.  And each event molds us into the couple that God wants us to be if we seek Him.  So, yes, I will still cry at weddings.  And that, my friends, is a good thing!

Jeff and Dree Miller, July 31, 1993

Hand-knitted Socks

I love to knit!!  And crochet, for that matter.  It is such a relaxing hobby for me.  I have done both for years, and about a few years ago I got tired of the same old thing.....blankets,hats and scarfs!  So I started venturing out a little bit into something more challenging.  I did some purses, even a sweater, but still things that only required two needles.  So, this last year I got brave and bought a set of 4 needles and decided to give making socks a try.  It took me a little while to get the hang of it, but it has been really fun!  They are time consuming though!  It usually takes me about two weeks to make one.  Of course, some days I don't have time to work on it.  But I have come to realize that this can be addictive!  It is something that I look so forward to each day....getting a chance to sit down and knit!  And heaven help me if I go to Hobby Lobby!!  I could spend a small fortune on yarn, and never have enough time to use it all!!  It is so rewarding when I finish something I'm making, and I can say "I made that!" 

Two and a half months post-thyroid surgery

This is a picture of me about 2 and 1/2 months after the removal of the tumor on the right side of my thyroid.  Everyone says, "Oh...it looks so good!"  To me, it is so noticeable, but I guess that's expected.  I have had my thryroid levels checked, and so far so good.  The left side of my thyroid is doing its job!  I was relieved to not have to be on any more medication.  I am just now feeling like I am over this surgery.  The strength in my voice is just now getting back to normal.  I really can tell it when I sing :)  Until the last couple of weeks, I had still felt scar tissue built up underneath the incision.  Now, it is smooth.  I have been keeping Vitamin E oil or cocoa butter on it.  I am still concerned about getting too much sun on it, and it being more noticeable this summer, as I do love to be out in the sun and tan very easily.  I hate for it to stay dark like this.  I have been told that it will fade and become like a little white scar.  With my skin color, I'm not sure......I'll have to wait and see!

I am recovering great from my thyroid surgery.  It has been about two weeks, and I am so glad it is over.  I am still a little sore in my neck, especially on the left side where I still have thyroid tissue.  The doctor said that the side that was left would probably swell in trying to compensate for the missing side. I guess that is what I am experiencing.  For the most part, I don't think that I am hypothyroid....yet!  I am hoping that what is left can produce enough hormone for what I need, and I don't have to take more medication! But, if I do, it's not a big deal. I am just thankful that it is over and, honestly, that this YEAR is almost over as well!! I am hoping that 2011 has better things in store for me and my family!

My Surgery

I had thyroid surgery on December the 6th at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville, TN. They removed a tumor that I had and the right side of my thyroid.  I was really dreading this surgery, but honestly, it wasn't that bad! I woke from the surgery feeling like I had a bad case of strep throat, and my neck was sore, but after 2 days I wasn't in any pain.  I was relieved that it was over, and that I was able to have it done before Christmas! I have had a rough couple of months, but hopefully it is coming to an end.  In a way I am frustrated because I feel like I know no more than what I did before I began to feel bad in May.  After seeing two neurologists, a rheumatologist, an endocrinologist, surgeon, going to Mayo Clinic.........after all that, I still don't have a definitive answer, and it is frustrating!  I wonder if I'll ever have an answer......

Our annual trip to Roanoke, VA for church softball

Jeff says he's about to get too old for this!  I will hate to see the day that he quits though.  I've been watching him play ball since I was 15 and he was 17!!!  He turned 40 on September 7, 2010.  He hit an in-the-park homerun!  He's still got it :)  He just pays for it more physically now!