Wedding Bells

I attended the wedding of a very special young lady this past weekend.  She came into my life about 5 years ago, and for several years I was able to be a second mother to her.  As life sometimes goes, things took a turn, and her life was taken in a different direction.  But, thankfully, we have remained in touch.  She will always be like my daughter deep within my heart!  So, of course, I attended her marriage ceremony this past Saturday.  I love weddings!  I almost always cry....sometimes too much!  A wedding ceremony always brings to me feelings of hope, change, newness, pride, and of course, LOVE!  I really didn't think I would be as emotional as I was at this particular one.  Part of me was emotional because this young lady has had such a hard life growing up.  Feelings of pride for her welled up inside me as I watched her come down the aisle in that little outdoor pavilion.  The aisle, made of sawdust and wood shavings and covered with a burlap runner, led to a small wooden stage decorated with hay bales and old handmade quilts.  She came down at sundusk, the ceiling draped with sheer fabric and chaby chic fabric ribbons.  It was beautifully emotional.  And as she came down the aisle in her off white, lace covered gown and vintage cowboy boots, the tears came.  And I couldn't stop crying.  She was beautiful. It was beautiful. Marriage is beautiful. Thoughts began to flood my mind of my wedding day.  Her gown was very similar to mine. I was her age, the tender age of twenty.  The same pastor would marry her and her groom, married my husband and me.  And mainly, I am just at a transitional place in life.  I feel like I don't have the hope that I did on that day. And I want it back!  I realize how naïve I was then.  Everything seems so surreal, so good, so positive.  I never for a moment really thought about the truth of the vows, "in sickness and in health", "for better or worse", or "for richer or poorer"!   At that very moment there is only "better", and "worse" never crossed my mind.  I am probably not alone in that.  No one wants to think about bad things happening.  No one plans to become chronically ill.  We plan for hope, prosperity, and all good things.  But life is not all good.  Bad things come to us all.  And we have to be prepared to handle them.  I have been married now for almost 22 years.  Life, for the last 10, has not been all that I have wanted it to be.  It has taken us a long time to adjust to our new normal.  We would love to have the days of our youth back.  Life seemed so perfect back then.  We were in love, ready to build our life together, and make our dreams come true.  And for many years, things seemed that way.  I loved raising my young children.  We truly enjoyed our family life.  Then the illness hit, and it took 7 years to find a diagnosis.  When I finally found a neurologist that took me seriously, I was led on a journey to the diagnosis of multiple sclerosis.  There was relief and mourning.  I had an answer, but I knew life would never be the same.  There has been much physical, emotional, mental, and financial stress that has come with this illness.  Some days I am good, others I am not.  And that roller coaster is one I didn't want to ride!  It has been hard for me, but even harder for my husband.  I cannot imagine how he feels.  I hate that he chose to marry someone who would bring him so much hardship.  I know that he doesn't feel that way, but this illness brings a lot of guilt with it.  That is hard on me.  I cannot work like we need for me to.  I cannot be the wife that he needs at times.  I cannot be the mother that I would like to be.  I feel very helpless and useless sometimes.  Depression. I hate that word!  But it plagues me.  I feel trapped inside a maze that there is no way out.  And I just need freed.  I need to feel the open air.  I need to feel the freedom that comes with no physical limitations.  That may never happen.  So now, the answer is to find hope where we are.  To find a new normal.  To stop the pattern of depression.  To enjoy life as we know it, even though it is not as we had planned.  That's ok!  Because life can still be good.  We can still find happiness.  We can be at peace with "sickness", "worse", and "poorer".  This weekend was good for me.  It is good to remember those feelings of love and passion that we had on our wedding day.  It is good to remember why we chose each other.  It is good to still feel that love today.  Even in the midst of sickness, stress, and financial struggle, we can be reminded of our desire to build a life together.  That's where we are....in the middle of the life we are building.  And each event molds us into the couple that God wants us to be if we seek Him.  So, yes, I will still cry at weddings.  And that, my friends, is a good thing!

Jeff and Dree Miller, July 31, 1993